The Fun Doesn’t End When The Ride Goes Wrong

There are times when nature, dumb luck and poor planning conspire against us. You can take all the usual and sensible precautions before rolling into the wild: check the weather report, carry your own personal chrome-plated barometer, even stick your head out the window. Feeling unencumbered and packing light, the skies are clear, a soft cool breeze caresses your cheek, the bike rumbles instantly to life and you think to yourself with a smile, what could possibly go wrong?

Everything. Even in the few areas of our big country where meteorological phenomena are routinely predictable, almost anything that can happen, and a few things that aren’t supposed to happen, do happen. It’s all a part of the little invisible paranormal bubble that seems to ride along with us most everywhere we go. This explains why torrential sheets of rain pour down on us when neither rain nor so much as a cloud is expected for the next three days or three hundred miles.

There are stories dating back a couple of centuries that tell of a wandering gypsy cursing a wayward biker for a grievous insult to the family goat, the details of which are better forgotten. Since then, we’ve all been doomed to ride the earth subject to sudden and unforeseeable extremes of climatic change. Most people spend their lives trying to stay out of intense situations; but bikers spend their lives putting themselves into intense situations. Being prepared for most things that can go wrong is the difference between a day trip that just got a little uncomfortable and one that melts into a misadventure of grim misery.

One of those times the author got caught in the storms. Fortunately, he was prepared.

I’ve learned the hard way, like most everything else that’s managed to penetrate my head, a little good sense can go a long way on the road to survival. For example, no matter the best prognosticator’s happy forecast, pack rain gear. Getting on your bike for a weekend getaway is like shaking a fist at the sky and daring the rain gods to drown you. Similar offenses include preparing a family picnic or washing your car.

Rain gear also makes a good insulator, so if it doesn’t rain but the temps turn extra chilly; wear it under your jacket and pants for extra warmth and wind resistance. If you’ve forgotten your rain gear or were sure you didn’t need it because sometimes you can’t remember your own advice, a heavy-duty garbage bag will do in a pinch.

Most any restaurant, rest- or truck-stop clerk will see how pitiful you look and mercifully hand you a fresh one. Just cut or tear a hole in the bottom just big enough to slip your head through, flip it over and wear over your leathers like a poncho. If a new garbage bag isn’t available, a used one will do. It’s not so bad, really, once you get past the banana peels and coffee grounds, maybe a stinky diaper or two. Vigorously empty its contents into a dumpster before wearing is preferred by most riders.

The author exiting some unexpected but prepared-for Arizona rains, which can be violent, unpredictable super soakers.

The elements are always lurking, waiting in ambush over the next hill or highway. Nature’s sneakiness can confound even the most veteran motorcyclists. Many a badass biker has met a frosty fate by underestimating the effects of elevation. A balmy day can turn into a blizzard by motoring up a mountain. Conversely, getting dry and warm is sometimes a simple matter of rolling downhill. Dressing in layers is key to enduring both directions.

The best five bucks you’ll ever spend is on a thin ski mask, one that will fit comfortably under your helmet. We lose most of our body heat through our head, so keeping it cozy can help maintain core body warmth, which in turn keeps your alertness, decision-making ability and reflexes at proper operating temperature. Once hypothermia sets in, your mind slows down before you can. This also gives you can excuse to keep the internal fires stoked by stopping for frequent small hot meals and beverages when temps turn bitter.

Above 10,000 ft., even in summer, you’re likely to encounter snow. And cold. Ask me how I know.

Without resorting to electrically or chemically heated vests and gloves and bum packs, most reasonable riding jaunts in survivable weather can be enjoyed with shrewd preparation. For your area, think about what extra gear you would need for temperature shifts of up to 20 or 30 degrees and, of course, the motorcyclist’s most ubiquitous challenger, big, hard raindrops suddenly splashing in your face.

Presuming you are already wearing proper gear for the present riding conditions, a basic survival kit can be carried in a single saddlebag or backpack. It should be waterproof (a fresh garbage bag will suffice) and include a good quality set of rain gear, rubber gloves (flock lined dishwasher gloves can work), ski mask, wool or silk glove liners, wool scarf, night goggles, and a flashlight, a few protein bars and some water wouldn’t hurt.

Please send your own road survival tips to Editor Brooks, or drop them in the comments below. Stay tuned for more wily tips on what to do when the ride goes wrong.

Joshua Placa